Today it is March 15th, 2018.
One day I was led to help out a homeless man, Cheo. I was walking by him one day, outside the church, near the marta stop, and while walking past him, even 15 feet away or so, I had an extremely vivid thought of giving him the food and drink that was on me.
I had doubts, but did it anyway, for … why not? You know? I gave it to him, and he, in his gratitude after receiving, prayed for me. He prophesied over my life, mentioning that the Lord would bless me with a wife at the church. Though I pondered it for a long time like Mary in Luke 2:19, at the time I didn’t think much of it.
I met another homeless woman named Waunitta. She many times asked me if I had a girlfriend, or if I was with someone, for she found me very sweet.
Another time I met someone at the church, and they mentioned how their child met their spouse at the church, (possibly had written a list of what they wanted and got it?).
I say all of this, for things happened for a while, even for … over a year? and I had been pondering, and had semi-expectation at times.
Before, or during this time, hardly did I pray for a wife, or girlfriend, or someone for me — but when I did tears flooded my eyes, I looked like a mess after having buried my face in the floor, and things weren’t too pretty, but God writes best with broken pencils.
There was a woman I had seen many times at the church. I saw her like anyone else, for she is like anyone else, so at the time I didn’t see her any different, really.
As time went by things happened — events, circumstances took place, and puzzles were coming together, pieces I had not put together, but I felt God did, for it was way above and beyond what I could have manifested in my own power.
The man, Cheo, actually was walking near this woman one time, and mentioned to me that I should talk to her. I, saying in myself, “but I’m with Jesus. Why would I do that?” didn’t think much of it, for when one cleaves to Jesus other people just don’t seem to matter in a certain way.
One time she was sitting next to me in the college ministry, and I felt this subtle, inward emotional love-rush rise up from within. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but it was really nice, and sweet, like being in the presence of God; such reminded me of God, and I love God, so why would I not want to experience it again? They actually gave their number to someone near me, and I wished inwardly they had given it to me.
Months went by, and eventually I developed feelings for them. The Lord Himself urged me at night while I was trying to go to sleep to confess to Him my feelings for her. I ran from it, I tried to avoid it, I even tried to pass by the issue, but it was super-glued in my heart like an important block in the building of my heart.
Eventually I felt led to talk to this person. I wanted to finally tell them how I feel, for though I didn’t get advice from my earthly father, or earthly brother, common sense says to let things out; and like how wisdom has one day be one day, and then one week, and a month, all the way to 1,000 years, my interest in this person went from ‘like’ to ‘love.’
Now, I had a similar experience with someone in highschool. I wrote I Fell and Bed of Roses for a girl in highschool I liked. I didn’t feel comfortable just coming out and saying it, for with such things I’m shy, reserved, and don’t have much experience, so writing is my best way of having it come across.
I tried to give it to her in person, but she was like slippery soap in my hand, hard to get a hold of, and when feeling successful her slipping out, going someplace else.
I then decided to show it to her on facebook. I sent her the 2 poems at the end, and also gave much details of where I had seen her, the history between her and I, how I, out of all the places to sit while going to a new lunch-group at the time sat next to her of all people; this I mentioned and more.
She saw the message, (as with Facebook it says when a person has seen it), but she didn’t respond; yeah, she saw it but said nothing about it. Life went on, but I had a hard time coming to terms with it.
Another time there was a girl whom I had a interest in, and her in me. Months went by, and she was calling my name. In my giving in to the flesh I walked past her one day while she was calling my name, for I felt led to ignore her, (it was demonic), and just keep walking.
I say this to give history that this current situation relates, in that many times I tried to get a hold of the girl whom I took an interest in, and she would slip away so often; many times I tried to talk to her, and she seemed busy at the time; and eventually because in-person communication seemed severely wounded I took the long-term, long-distance approach, printed out the poetry and gave it to her;
and on the other hand, with the other girl she tried to get my attention, but I walked right past her, like many times things had happened to me presently, so this whole situation, this current one, wasn’t so unknown to me, for I had already been through it before, and in seeking God He opens ones eyes, and gives them comfort through His Truth.
A lot of the poetry I had written about this one person can be found here, in the Song of Brandon, which is my version of the Song of Solomon, but mine. There is more, but it is elsewhere.
I got the title from God, and went for it. I typed the poems, personalized them, gave half the page for her thoughts, and really left it at that. Beforehand though, even for months, I had to muster up the courage to talk to her. For months did I feel this voice telling me to tell her how I felt, which is great, for if I had just said it I may have gotten a “Yes” or “No” sooner, and gone on with my life. Because I took so long, I brought much discouragement to my soul, and heart-ache, and sorrow which brought me great pain at the time.
I gave the poetry to her one wednesday, when I saw her at church. She accepted it like any other thing I may have given, but told me she was dating Jesus. That is fine; that is great; for I myself said the same at some point, but feelings for her developed, and I couldn’t run away from it.
My friend had a wedding, and I thought this person was blowing me off, for they were helping out with the wedding, and were busy, so I just left it alone partially, for it’s understandable, and who wants to get in the way of someone else’s wedding when they hope to have one of their own one day?
The wedding passed, and I got a text from them, a text showing 3 pages of poetry. I thought, “woohoo! Let’s see where this goes! This will be quite something else! I wonder this … I wonder that …” and my child-like curiosity was going, but I was still humbling myself, for months and months and months had gone by from the beginning of this process to the end, but I was still open for whatever.
What I did not expect was what happened, and what I didn’t want to happen was what occurred, for she felt creeped out by it, and wanted nothing to do with it. She told some people this, and that, which I won’t get into, for the bible says some knowledge with cease, so it’s whatever, and even prophesies, like what I received from God, may fail — though I still have hope, and have faith, and love, for I’ve been called to, so it’s my job, and things like this come with the territory, for even Jesus did nothing but the Father’s will and still died on the cross.
I actually tried to get her feedback personally, for the bible says if you have a problem with someone else go to that person and tell them yourself, and if things are okay you’ve gained a brother back, and if not bring more people and address the issue.
I was talked to by some people, and they gave me some advice, and some talking to, but I heard some things that didn’t sit right with me, and felt like I was in another cross-like situation, for still these things don’t sit right with me, like reading something in some translation of a bible and saying, “hey… that doesn’t sound right…”
It is funny, for when getting the idea to give the poetry to the person I thought of giving it to them through someone else, but the counsel I got was to give it myself. Then, the response I got from the poetry was not from the person them self, but someone else; and it was her response, but through someone else. Thus, I got more of a response from something meant for them from others than from the actual person, which had dissettled me.
From this whole experience I’ve learned that God’s will is best, and doesn’t always happen in my timing, nor anyone else’s, but His. I learned to put my foot out there and I’ve gotten a greater love for God, and feel more boldness when talking to people, being myself, and being in uncomfortable situations. I learned to better handle rejection, and still love my neighbor, for I have no animosity towards any party involved. I told many people about the situation, (many), and though it seemed to have backfired, I don’t feel any humiliation at all, for even Jesus did all the Father said and still died on the cross, people mocking, and jeering, pointing and laughing,
saying, “You spoke of eternal life so often, and now you’re dying at 33? Hahaha, and, “God loves you so bad, so why is He allowing this? If you had His protection, you wouldn’t be on a cross right now!” and, “Had you but listened to us, this wouldn’t have happened! You didn’t listen, deceiver, and now God is punishing you for stirring up the people with your false doctrine. You see everybody, this is what happens to sinners!!” (This is my guess, but the point is still made).
The Lord is my tearing up, my binding up, my decrease, my increase, and my everything. I feel happy it all happened, and bless all involved abundantly whenever they come to mind. I believe in time, and with time, things will happen that will have this whole thing just be another ‘thing’ that happened, and I’ll be completely fine, even as I, (for the most part), am now.
I get temptations, and thoughts, like, “what if you see them in the hallway at church?” So what?
“What if the people in the college ministry talk?” And?
The list goes on and on, even when it comes to what I could have done wrong, what I could have done better, so on and so forth; but, again, God works all things around for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose, so I’m fine, and carry this cross with a smile on my face, knowing God is doing something in my life, and in the life of others! Amen.